Together with this writer I put into words my life mechanism during a conversation in the kitchen. Of course I kind of knew this before, but it was never this clear to me without the words.
Apparently I have something against consumerism. In order for me to enjoy something I need to have the idea that I am contributing. What is wrong with consuming? Does turning up at my day job and pay my taxes not entitle me to enjoyment during my time off? I guess because of meritocratic society and Calvinism I feel I have to be more than simply diverted. And to be honest: only being diverted quickly becomes boring. I really want to build something in the photography / art world for myself. At the same time I often feel like a poseur when I am working on a photograph or talking about art. I have to learn to take it simply as is without judgment. I guess for most 40-somethings this sounds familiar…
After the conversation I shot this portrait of her:
